I be da Mommy-blogging slacker…

So right after Mr. T was born (and after I could hold my eyes open for enough blinks consecutively to actually look at a computer screen), I got this great e-card welcoming me to the world of Mommy-blogging from Sarah (a.k.a. Mrs. Mustard). It made me giggle and smile and even feel a little special that I get to join the elite club of women who somehow manage to find time to write (and type with great snark, I might add!), even though the kids have mashed potatoes in their hair and it’s 4:30 pm and they haven’t even found time to, you know, put pants on. (Note to my bestest high school buddy who is having a baby soon: the pants thing totally happens, seriously…)

And since then, well, let’s just say I haven’t done a whole lot of blogging, and when I have, it’s either rants about politics (which no one wants to read), or my monthly letter to the baby, and there’s not much in-between! And so, to mitigate the lameness of my mommy non-blogging of late, I decided I’d post a little update on how my induction into mommyhood is going, and what’s up with Torsten and the German Family Grothoff (which would not be dumb enough to get shipwrecked), since even though Mr. T’s 4-month anniversary is coming up soon (hrm… is it still called an anniversary when it’s a monthly thing? anniversary comes from annus, meaning year, so that’s lame…), who knows when I’ll get that written?

So…

The in-laws are here and have been for the past three weeks. Yes, yes, I know many of you predict the End Times when hearing the mention of in-laws and multiple weeks occurs (and indeed, I would have at one point too), but it’s actually been a very pleasant visit. Torsten loves his grandparents, and they’ve been having a fantastic time. Also, his grandparents have been so kind as to take the little guy for hours at a time so that Mama and Papa can sleep/leave the house/actually shower, so it’s been good to have them here. This house is a little small to have so many people comfortably on top of each other (and I am notoriously grumpy about invasions of my space), but they’re staying in a hotel, and are very happy to spend time with their grandson, so it’s all good.

Well, except that they have the plague. Or something equally yucky. Torsten’s Opa got it first, and kept his distance from the little guy. It seemed like no one else was going to get ill, but now Oma is apparently so ill she can barely make it to the bathroom, and even Papa is starting to feel unwell. This is, as they say, not good. Even though Papa is going to start sleeping in the living room until he gets better, my suspicion is that it’s only a matter of time until the little guy and I come down with it, and given that Papa has a very full week next week, I predict that I will not only be sick, but I’ll be running the show with a sick baby at home as well, which will suck.

Of course, I might be wrong. I really, really, really, really hope I will be. If you have any personal deities you might consider asking to intercede for the little guy and me, I’ll dedicate some stale Peeps in your honor.

Oh, and Happy Easter.

Mommyhood is actually being pretty good to me. With Torsten approaching four months, I’ve been able to return outside and see the day star shining, often with the little boy in tow in the stroller or Baby Björn, and sometimes even by myself. I’m a little depressed about how hard it is to lose weight right now (I’m only nursing part-time because, well, I don’t produce much, but unfortunately, I’m still as hungry as a regular nursing Mom) and how pregnant I still look, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not bothering me much yet.

But the first three months, for me, were sort of like living in a cave. I didn’t get out much, and was too tired to do anything except care for the baby anyway. I always had messy hair, often didn’t get dressed during the day (just didn’t have time), and was walking around in a sleep-impaired daze. Christian was still doing almost all of the housework, and I was just trying to get through the day after not sleeping much at night, since I’m the one with the breasts. It was pretty rough, really. Plus the weather sucked, so going outside with the baby wasn’t much of an option, especially since we’re carless.

But now, now Torsten wakes twice a night (three times if we’re unlucky), so there’s at least the option of a lot more sleep (I can’t bring myself to fall asleep with him at 7:30, but I know I should…), and he’s much more portable. Also, I’m much less afraid that something I’ll do will break him, which makes things easier. He seems to like getting out of the house with me, and is napping more often during the day. I seem to be able to find time to actually put pants on, have a cup of coffee, and even pick up around the house or toss laundry in, often with Torsten playing next to me in his high chair and us having a little conversation, or with him strapped onto my front observing and directing (during housework – obviously not with the coffee or the near-daily ritual donning of the pants). So things are looking up.

And I love being Torsten’s Mama. Torsten himself is just a bundle of smiley cuddliness, and he changes so much from day to day that it’s hard to keep up. He’s been losing his hair, but already it’s growing back. He gets longer and longer each day, and Christian and I both noticed one day that his hands had gotten bigger overnight. His big blue eyes are simply gorgeous, and if you follow them, you can tell how engaged he is with the world. He “talks” to us all the time, and squeals excitedly, and smiles smiles smiles. He’s intensely curious about people and the world – I took him to the cathedral the other day and he loved looking at the stained glass and the shapes of the arches – and he’s a great deal of fun to play little games with. He’s controlling his head and limbs a lot more, and grabs toys on purpose to chew on. He’s also figured out how to do some things with intent rather than by accident, and he’s just generally a beautiful, joyful child. I feel incredibly lucky to be his.

I’d feel luckier with more sleep, mind you, but eh… it’ll do.

People aren’t kidding when they say becoming a parent changes everything, or that you’ll love your child more than you ever knew you could love anything. Those things sounds obvious and a little trite, but the reality is about as mind-blowing as things get. And when people tell you you’ll be exhausted and stressed, you’ll think later that they were understating things, but that’s only because there’s no way to express the depth of those things either in a way that communicates the reality of the situation. And one thing no one ever said to me, anyway, is that it takes a little while to settle into the person you become when you become Mommy or Daddy, and that stranger still, you’re both the person you were before and someone you completely weren’t. I just now feel like I’m starting to settle into that person and a little less like a person lost in the chaos of joy and exhaustion and worry and surprise our now-pretty-big little bundle brought with him into the world.

I have my better days and my worse ones, like everyone else. On the days I feel like an incompetent parent, it’s pretty hard. Even being a realist, it’s hard not to want to always know how to do the right thing for your child. And God forbid someone start talking about developmental milestones, because you’ll start panicking that the baby isn’t doing something a month before they’re supposed to be able to (or, as happened to me, a been-there-done-that friend made an off-hand remark about development and I took it to mean that she thought Torsten was somehow behind – she didn’t, of course). On the days things are all going well, it’s hard to imagine that there was ever a time when I wasn’t this child’s parent. It is the best, most gratifying thing I’ve ever experienced, especially when I see his joy at discovering something or just his happiness to see Papa or Mama in the morning. He’s four months old, and he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

On all of those days, bad or good (even the most desperate ones), there’s not a moment I wish we hadn’t had him. I can’t imagine life without him (though I can imagine life with a few extra hours of sleep ).

Anyway, it’s late and I’m starting to blather, so I’ll shut up now, but things are still rolling along here in Mommyland. Mama herself needs to get some sleep, since we’re taking Torsten to get some pictures taken tomorrow morning and she still has to do some laundry and stuff, hopefully before Torsten wakes for his first night feeding…