New feature: Ask GoogledKrista – for when The Google ™ just doesn’t cut it

Ok, so I’m going to try something, just for fun (for me – it probably will not amuse anyone else and I don’t care).

I’ve said several times before that the search terms that provide me with hits cause me near-endless amusement, and it occurred to me that I might as well provide these poor lost souls with what they’re looking for (or, more likely, smartassed responses to it) since they bothered to come visit my humble little blog. I forewarn you, though – very little of this will be useful.

And so I bring you the first installment of:

Ask GoogledKrista – for when The Google ™ just doesn’t cut it

(More fun than Dear Abby on a stick!)

Query #1: “what does it mean when a guy is ‘almost caught up’”

Response: Probably that he’ll be fired or dead by morning.

Query #2: “sarah palin foot fetish”

Response: Um, ok, wow. You have no idea how many hits I get from this one. Seriously. I suspect there’s some Internet site somewhere that… ewww. Never mind.

I realize it’s my fault for the title I used in a post about Sarah Palin putting her foot in her mouth all the time, but, um, really?

Sarah Palin?

And do you have a foot fetish and just have a thing for her feet, or are you hoping she has a foot fetish? In any event, could you guys please go look somewhere else? (Yes, I realize I’ve just ensured more hits by responding to this, but it’s just so darned funny to me…)

I should add that this is a bipartisan issue – I get just as many hits for “Hillary Clinton foot fetish”, and I know I’ve never mentioned that one… If I start getting hits for “John McCain foot fetish” or “Barack Obama foot fetish”, you can refer to me as officially creeped out.

Query #3: “why won’t my baby let me sleep?”

Response: I’ll give you the answer my buddy LaQuisha gave me when I asked a similar question: because he is a baby and he can do anything he wants.

Query #4: “geek girls Finland”

Response: Apparently, some Italian person is looking for the Geek Girls of Finland. (Apparently, they do not have their own calendar yet.) While I have no help for you, I applaud you in your efforts to appreciate Geek Girls as they most certainly deserve to be appreciated. And if any of my Finnish friends give me any latebreaking info on this topic, I’ll be sure to follow up.

Query #5: “barry manilow looks like papa smurf”

Response: Hmmm.

Nope.

Not seeing it.

Query #6: “my husband is evil”

Response: So is mine. Professionally so.

Actually, to be serious, he isn’t. I get this query a lot, and it makes me sad.

All joking aside, if your husband is actually evil – as in hits you or emotionally abuses you, you need to get out. Seriously. Right now.

My husband is a nice man who I call “evil” because he’s got a particularly wicked sense of humor. He’s not the other sort of evil at all. I’m sorry, but you won’t find any tales of bad men (as relate to my husband, anyway) here.

But if yours is actually evil, seriously… get out while you can.

Query #7: “week 5 pregnancy period hacks”

Response: I hope this did not come from one of the Geek Girls of Finland.

Here’s the thing… being a geek girl is a good thing, but you need to understand that getting pregnant doesn’t exactly count as an anti-menstruation “hack”, and if you really see it that way, you need to put the K & R down and go outside.

(As hacks go, this one has some fairly irreversible side effects… )

Query #8: “baby smiles at not moving ceiling fan”

Response: Totally normal. Torsten only recently became less obsessed with the ceiling fan, but he’s been staring at it since he came home, which totally freaked me out because I’d read some stupid article on autism where a mother said she knew there was something wrong with her baby when he came home from the hospital and was obsessed with staring at the ceiling fan. Took me a good while to find out that no, lots of kids from very little like ceiling fans. When they’re still, it’s the pattern of the blades. Moving, it’s, well, the movement.

So enjoy the smiles.

Query #9: “celta lesson planning cheat”

Response: Oooo, now this one makes me mad. Almost as mad as undergrads who try to send me computer security homework as “interested questions” after reading my web page.

Ok… for those who don’t know, the CELTA is the Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults issued by Cambridge, and getting one is intense and quite tough. Working on getting one is about the only thing you’ll do for a month if you do it full time. I got one last year, and it just about did me in. It’s a lot of work, and lesson planning is a huge part of how you’re evaluated.

So, um, to Mr./Ms. Future Cheater… You have barked up the wrong tree.

You have some nerve. You should be ashamed. Also, you do know I have your IP address, don’t you?

Query #10: “when you see it you get no sleep”

Response: Try querying Rush Limbaugh spandex.

I’ll try to collect some better ones next time I try this – I just sort of poked at some of the random queries in my logs for fun this afternoon.

Tune in next time, when hopefully I won’t have another instance of “krista fetish” to respond to.

And now… to do real work!

(Manilow photo by Matt Becker – used under CC Attribution 3.0 license. The Papa Smurf image is from Wikipedia and is used under U.S. copyright fair use provisions.)